Zelfs bikers

Een mooi stukje herpes historie, ontvangen van een forumlid.

Het is april 1983. Je bent een stoere biker in the good ol’ US of A. Je pakt je favoriete biker maandblad Easyriders en wat staat er op de cover?

“How To Tell Your Girl You’ve Got Herpes“

Een van de stoerste gemeenschappen heeft het over herpes. Toen al. Je ziet het, het kan iedereen overkomen.

In 1983 was er dus al een goed bewustzijn van herpes. De verschillende types, hoe je het zo goed mogelijk kunt voorkomen en hoe ermee om te gaan. Hier en daar inmiddels iets outdated, maar grotendeels nog steeds relevant. En, niet onbelangrijk, leuk en ontspannen gebracht.

Het artikel gaat als volgt (1 op 1 overgenomen, dus op z’n Rednecks’):

How fast time flies when you’re havin’ a ball. One minute you’re standin’ there with a little leather whip in your hand an’ the next it’s a property slip an’ a bar of disinfectant soap. Ol’ Doc Twat is back, an he’s here to tell ya about the latest thing in dork destroyers.

The three biggest lies in the world used to be: “I love you”, “The check is in the mail” and – the most popular to most of us – “I promise not to come in your mouth”.
Folks kicked those jokes around an’ got a lotta laughs out of ‘em, but there’s three bigger lies bein’ told these days, an’ at least one of ‘em isn’t funny at all:
“I’ve had a vasectomy, so you’ll still be a virgin”, “You’ll get 15,000 service free miles outta this beauty” And, worst of all, “Don’t worry about it – it’s only a fever blister” .
A week later, you’ve got copies of that “fever blister” on your lip, on the end of you dork, back there where she gave ya the rim job, an’ your ol’ lady’s complainin’ that her snatch itches. The only difference between a pig an’ a waitress at Burger Puke is that pigs don’t have zits, an’ the zits on that teeny-bopper’s face turned out to be herpes II – the baddest thing around!
For those of ya who don’t know exactly what herpes is, here’s the lockdown: Herpes simplex virus – both I an’ II – is an infection that affacts the skin. It also affects the mucous membranes such as the mouth, lips, inside the nose, the snatch, the asshole an’ the end of the dork. It latches onto the genitals, the thighs, buttocks an’ anywhere else on the body where it can find entry by way of cuts or scratches. If your sweetie scratches her herpes-covered face, then digs her claws into your back to show her appriciation for the screwin’ you’re givin’ her, she opens up a whole new territory an’ possibly fucks up your impressive four-color Harley-Davidson tattoo.

Most people are familiar with the form of herpes that is easy to see, the kinds that waitresses like the one previously mentioned have on their faces an’ lips. They think they’ve got zits an’ cold sores. You might think the same, until it’s too late. Now for the good news an’ bad news.

The good news is that herpes below the belt is six-to-nine times less common than herpes of the face an’ mouth. The bad news is that herpes an’ love don’t have much in common. Love doesn’t last forever; herpes does!

The only way you can be sure you’ve got herpes is by goin’ to see a doctor while the sores are present. Sometimes they disappear, strenghten themselves, an’ then reappear. When the sores are showin’, have a doctor take a look at ‘em, ‘cause ya might have somethin’ else, such as syphilis, scabies, a chancroid of superficial staph infection. Most of these can be cures, so gettin’ a diagnosis is important. It ain’t nice to go spreadin’ any of ‘em around.

Herpes simplex virus I an ‘herpes simplex virus II look exactly alike. For hunderds – maybe thousands – of years, the sores on the face an’ mouth were caused by HSV I, while those below the waist were caused by HSV II. There is a definite clinical difference in the two viruses (molecular composition, growth patterns in cell cultures, an’ different antibodies elicited by each). Up until just a few years ago, herpes below the waist was largely unheard of, but human nature finally took care of that. The sexual revolution came along, an’ oral-genital gymnastics began to spice up folks’ fun an’ games. A dude would give his chick some face, then kiss her on the lips. In return, she’d introduce a new game she learned – Pearl Harbor. He’d lie down on his back an’ she’d blow him up. Without knowin’ it, they were spreadin’ the herpes virus every time they got together.

One of the biggest problems facin’ scientists is that of knowin’ how many people have herpes. When a person contracts a venereal disease an’ goes to the doctor, the law requires the doc to record the event. That way, records are kept an’ the medics know for sure how many disease carriers there are. Doctors aren’t required to record their herpes cases, however, so the only thing they can do is estimate that between 50 an’ 150 million people have genital (HSV II) herpes. Even if everyone in the U.S. was required by law to submit to a physical examination for herpes, the docs wouldn’t know for sure who had it unless the telltale sores were present. Blood tests would reveal only that at one time or another the person had been exposed to the virus; but that wouldn’t necessarily mean he or she had a recurrent case of it.
Herpes simplex viruses are infectious agents. What’s worse, they are contact agents. Cold an’ influenza viruses are spread by sneezin’ and coughin’, or by insects an’ animals. Herpes simplex viruses can live only on humans an’ they’re spread from person to person without the help of bugs or animals or airborne viral agents.
People give people herpes. They touch ‘em, they kiss ‘em, they love ‘em, they lick ‘em, an’ suck ‘em. Mothers give it to their babies after gettin’ it from daddy, or vice versa. Kissin’ aunts an’ other relatives give it to nieces, nephews an’ everybody else in the whole fam damily.

The disease follows a certain pattern as it develops in most people. About two days after gettin’ infected, a sore or cluster of sores develops near or at the site of the viral invasion. Now ya know why kissin’ that bunch of camp followers wasn’t such a good idea. If you’re a dude, the sores – which look like little blisters – pop up where you were kissed on the dork, the balls or the rim of that Vesuvius you call an asshole. If you’re a chick, they develop just inside the snatch.

Sometimes the lymph glands swell up a bit. You’ll notice lumps in your armpits or in the groin area. The sores are always painful an’ they itch an’ burn like hell – especially when ya take a piss. Sometimes there’s a discharge along with all the other discomforts.

The sores last for two or three weeks, then they dry up an’ go away, along with all the other symptoms. If they don’t come back, which they don’t in many cases, you can consider yourself a lucky sonuvabitch. The worst part of it is, if you have the disease, you’ll always have it.

Now get this, ‘cause I’m only gonna say it once (it’s too fuckin’ hard to say twice). In the case of oral, labial (lip) or facial herpes, the latent virus takes up residence in a nerve cluster called the trigeminal ganglion, located near the cheek bone. In case of genital herpes, the virus lays dormant in the sacral region (lower back) located outside the spinal canal. Ya got that? The virus can lie there dormant for the rest of your life, or it can come bustin’ out to make your life miserable whenever it feels like it.

When the sores appear, which could be every couple of weeks or every couple of years, don’t touch the bastards. Wash your hands if you accidentally touch ‘em. When you wake up in the mornin’, wash your hands before touchin’ your dork or your eyes. Especially your eyes! If you touch your eyes you may wind up with somethin’ called herpes keratites, or, ocular herpes. An’ you could wind up joinin’ a Jose Feliciano look-alike contest.

The worst is yet to come. When you’re sufferin’ an outbreak of herpes, ya gotta lay off the kissin’ an’ fuckin’ bit.

Phyllis Schlafly, for years the leadin’ opponent of the ERA, says that gettin’ herpes gives ya “the leper effect”. It makes ya feel dirty an’ dangerous. It’s emotionally numbin’, causes loneliness and depression and makes ya impotent. She says the only way to keep from gettin’ herpes is to avoid sexual relations completely, remain a virgin until ya get married, an’ then be faithful to your man or ol’ lady.
The prevention of herpes is based on one simple rule, whether ya like it or not. It’s the only rule that works, unfortunately: From the moment the sores first appear, wait until they’ve completely healed and gone away completely, no kissin’, or fuckin’. Definately no head. If ya can’t get by for more than a couple of days without nookie, go on a do-it-yourself program until you’re healed up.
When ya are, it’s find ‘em, fuck ‘em an’ forget ‘em time again. If ya feel the sores startin’ on your lip, don’t kiss anyone – not your ol’ man/ol’ lady, husband/wife, boss, kids, Miraculous Mutha, Spider or anyone ya happen to meet while lookin’ through garbage cans.

If ya kiss someone accidentally tell ‘em to wash their lips with warm water an’ soap. If ya don’t know what soap is, send a hundred dollars to Doc Twat, care of this mag, an’ I’ll send ya a picture of a bar of soap. If ya give your ol’ man head while ya got a sore on your lip, have him scrub down his dork with some of that brown soap an’ a G.I. brush or you’ll wind up with a diffrent kind of sore on your lips.
There are a lotta dangers involved when ya get a case of herpes. Ocular herpes, or herpes keratitis, is probably the number one bad way to go, ‘cause it makes ya blind if it gets a good enough hold on ya. Herpes encephalitis is the number two on the list. If you’ve got only genital herpes, ya don’t hafta worry none about herpes encephalitis unless you’ve got one smart cock. Cocks don’t usually have brains. If they did, they wouldn’t go crawlin’ into some of those horny places where diseases hang out.

Herpes encephalitis can only be explained scientifically, so brace yourself. It occurs only neurogenically, when the virus moves from the trigeminal ganglia along nerve pathways leadin’ to the brain. Ya got that? The virus goes along a little pathway from your lip to your think-tank an’ gives ya a general case of the fuck-ups. It gives ya a fever, headaches, changes in personality, speech problems, perceptual difficulties, muscle aches an’ general weakness.

If ya get herpes encephalitis, you’re in deep shit. The condition of the victim usually worsens with time. Pretty soon he experiences seizures an’, eventually, coma. Recovery is rare: infection proves fatal in over 70 percent of the victims, an’ the ones who survive usually have permanent brain damage an’ spend the rest of their lives playin’ “watch the cuckoo” at the local funny farm.

The next big thing you’re gonna wanne know is, can herpes be treated? Is there a cure?
The answer to those questions is, yes to the first an’ no to the second. As of this writin’, of course. The way medical science advances, by the time this mag hits the street there may be a cure.
Doctors have already tried treating herpes with placebos. That’s fake medicine used when psychological causes are suspected. They didn’t work. Lilly Laboratories tried stuff like formalin-inactivated preparations, but to no avail. The krauts tried Lupidon-G at their plant, Hermal-Chemie, in Germany. They gave herpes to chicken embryos, then shot the mixture into humans. All the dudes got was injected breakfast, sunnyside up.

If someone tells ya they read about a sure cure, get the name of it. If it’s one of the followin’, tell the fucker to buzz of: Bacillus Calmette-Guerin, no good; Infuenza Virus Vaccina, no good; diets containin’ large amounts of calcium, vitamin-B complex, lactobacillus acidophilus (found in yoghurt an’ a human’s large intestine), no good; vitamin C, dietary zinc, lysine/arginine, no good; either, ice treatment, dye-light therapy: no good.

Right now doctors a re workin’ on a bunch of chemicals, some of which show promise, but so far haven’t proven totally successful. The reason the search for a cure is so tough is çause the medicine used has to perform a number of functions. It has to be discriminatin’ – able to distinguish between cells that are hidin’ the virus an’ those that aren’t. It has to be selective – active against invaded cells without affectin’ normal cells. Potent – able to destroy the entire virus without leavin’ fragments that may cause problems later. It has to be nontoxic to the cell, but lethal to the virus.
Remember DDT an’ Agent Orange? They did a helluva good job, but massive oversprayin’ fucked up a lotta other stuff as a result of their tremendous efficacy. If doctors just wanted to get rid of herpes on the end of your cock, they’d cut it off. Problem solved. But what about the rest of your equipment?

Adenine Arabinoside, Ribavirin, Aciclovir, 2-Deoxy-d-glucose. Phosphonoacetic acid, an’ interferon are the latest in a long line of chemicals an’ natural elements used in tests to find a cure for herpes. One of ‘em, interferon, shows the most promise.

Hang in there all you dudes an’ chicks who are bothered by herpes, an’ don’t scratch your snatch or balls when the stuff breaks out. Don’t kiss anyone who has a sore on his/her lips. If ya do, wash yer mouth right away. As unromantic as it may sound, don’t let anyone go down on ya if he or she has a sore on the lips. An’ don’t be afraid to ask if you can inspect the genitals of someone who’s about to slip the meat to ya. If you’re a dude, an’ ya don’t know enough about the chick you’re about to impale, use a rubber. If you’re a chick, tell the fucker to put on a rubber.
Remember, the best rule of all – if ya think ya got it, see a doctor right away. Ya might save your own life, as well as that of someone else.